“Can’t you ever just keep your mouth shut?”

“Well, sure, your drawing is okay, but you are no Picasso!”

“You will never be good enough to play your (flute, guitar, piano, violin….) in public.”

“Don’t brag. No one wants to hear you talk about yourself.”

Are these phrases like the sound track in your mind?

When we hear criticism from our parents or teachers the message sticks and you have to deliberately shrug it off. If you are depressed, it seems as if they play over and over forever. By the time you are an adult, you no longer need to hear it from someone else – you carry that negative voice in your own mind. You criticize yourself without any help from others, and that discourages you when it comes to trying something new or stretching toward a challenge. Low on energy with depression, your self-criticism robs you of whatever motivation you may possess.

Consider the impact of this. Everyone needs to have a bit of courage to take their talents into a new arena. Stating your ideas in a meeting or showing your creative side (whether drawing or writing or playing) or trying out for a team/a promotion/a new job: these things take confidence and courage if you are going to take the gamble of showing what you can do and seeing how it turns out. If you lived with parental criticism or, worse, apathy toward your efforts to do something new and different, your willingness to try is eroded. Later, when you hear the criticism in your mind, you Dis-Courage yourself. Eventually you undermine your own performance and may even quit in frustration as you hear the dis-couraging remarks from your childhood, “Don’t make such a spectacle of yourself!” “Don’t be such a show-off!” “Who told you that you are good enough to try for that?” When you are depressed, your thoughts tend to be imbalanced toward the negative anyway, so when this is the voice you hear when you have the chance to try something new, it can be very hard to shake off.

The voice need not have been spoken. You may carry the silent voice of being ignored when you ask for attention or show a parent your art or schoolwork or your perfect cartwheel. Mary knew she would have trouble qualifying for a promotion because she stops herself from telling her colleagues or boss about a success. In exploring her reluctance to tell others of her good work, she remembered how, at age 10, she proudly showed her mother a writing assignment with a big, red “A+, Well Done!!!” at the top. Her mother, without a word, tossed the paper into the trash and told her to go set the table for dinner. Mary carried that non-response with her as evidence that any of her efforts are un-remarkable and no cause for pride or sense of accomplishment.

You may have been taught and now may believe that self-confidence or accepting praise from others means that you are conceited. Quite the opposite, legitimate praise empowers you when you receive it and those to whom you give it. Praise for a genuine accomplishment provides courage to try. When you give praise or accept praise, you En-Courage yourself or others to stretch the limits, accept a challenge, or try harder. When children believe that their efforts make their parents feel proud, they do not stop trying. They do more of what earns the praise. All of your life, if you can hear the voice of praise for genuine accomplishments, you want to put in more effort.

Finding the energy to recognize praise and take it in when you hear it or even offer it to yourself is much harder to do when depressed. When you are depressed it is harder than you may imagine to identify and eliminate the Dis-Couraging impact of the inner criticism and make the switch to hearing praise. It is necessary to first identify the negative voice in order to erase it and replace it with the positive voice. You will have to use your thinking brain to make that happen. Your brain gets stuck on negativity and has limited energy to fight back so deciding how to do that uses your resources to best advantage. You can begin the process of En-Couragement by using your rational brain to evaluate that negativity and get willingness to erase it and replace it with positives.

1. Make a rational decision that self-criticism is a waste of time and worse, it dis-courages you from efforts to succeed.
2. Make this reasonable choice: believe that you will be more motivated from praise that en-courages you than from criticism.
3. Decide to believe this truth: making progress demonstrates effort and you deserve to feel pride in accomplishment.
4. Then make an agreement with yourself to notice what happens when you have worked hard, practiced hard, or show some progress at work or at a creative endeavor. (There is usually a positive outcome to a project, a relationship, a talent improving, etc.)
5. Next, notice what you feel like when you see progress after effort. (What you will notice is that you feel good.)
6. Then, if that inner voice pipes up with a criticism that what you did is not good enough, replace this with the deliberate voice that says, “I am making progress, and that is good. I can try more whenever I am ready.”

When you connect accomplishment with feeling good and recognize how en-couraged you feel to do or try more, you are on the path to eliminating the impact of self-criticism on your depression. You will feel more motivation and energy.

No matter whose voice provided the sound track, you can replace it with a new track of en-couraging, legitimate praise. If you must hear a voice in your mind, it may as well be one that gives you courage!

Her fear and negativity reminded me of how often people with depression do not recognize a simple principle: things that seem true are not always true.

When I was a young therapist I learned – surprise! – that you can believe things that are not true. (The corollary: believing something does not make it true.) In depression, false beliefs, such as you are worthless or nothing will work out or you are doomed to fail, direct your thoughts, your emotions, and even your physical feelings. It is even worse when the depressing beliefs also spark fear. Fear will trigger symptoms like anxiety, nausea or diarrhea, or increased heart-rate. (People experience both anxiety and depression about 50% of the time.)

Leigh’s situation, feeling fear and unable to shake it, was a frightening lesson in the importance of what you tell yourself. It doesn’t matter that what you believe is false: it matters that you believe it. Then you react as if the belief is true.

When you have a depressed/anxious brain, the chances are good that you are low on several brain neurotransmitters, causing negativity that is hard to slow down. Negativity plus fear is a powerful combination that will reinforce itself rapidly. Your brain will form a neurobiological rut that is hard to get out of.

But you are not unconscious! You can consciously climb out of that mental rut. The problem is that this is HARD to do. It requires both the conviction that your thoughts are unnecessary and the motivation to do what is difficult. You may need an outside boost to see how to get out of the rut, such as:

• a person who will remind you of your goals
• written reminders of your desired thoughts (to replace the undesired thoughts)
• a ding from your handheld device to prompt you to think the positive thought.

In Leigh’s case, she also needed a reliable person to tell her the fears she had were unfounded. (Hint: the internet is not a good place to look for relief of fear.)

To handle the one-two punch of negativity and fear, seek right reassurance. Right reassurance involves getting correct information to get rid of fear. But beware of TMI – too much information – that usually makes it worse. You need another person to be a helper who knows something about what you fear, and who is able to offer you the following:

1. Careful listening for what caused the fear and then specifically telling you why your fear is unfounded. (For example, “No, that kind of rash is NOT a sign of flesh-eating bacteria.”)
2. Self-control to not tell you extra information. You only need their certainty that you don’t need to fear, but very little more than that. (You do not want to hear what kind of rash would be a sign of flesh-eating bacteria.)
3. Ability to help you find the positive thought to replace your fearful one. Pick a positive statement that is both true and believable. For example, “I will do my best and that is good enough,” is a better choice than “I cannot fail,” which might not be believable to you.

In the example of Leigh’s fear of early onset Alzheimer’s, she would not benefit from hearing she is too young for that. Fear and negativity would drive her to wonder if she is going to be the rare exception. Rather, in Step 1 her helper would listen to why she fears she is developing Alzheimer’s. In Step 2 her helper would tell her firmly that her symptoms are not signs of that disorder but would NOT discuss what signs do indicate early onset. In Step 3 Leigh’s positive thought replacement for the fearful thought might be, “My worry is unnecessary. I am fine as I am.”

Getting out of your rut of fear is not easy. Don’t expect of yourself to do it alone. And do not hesitate to seek help. The faster you act to reduce your fear, the easier it will be to bounce back from the one-two punch of negativity and fear.

“The Ten Best-Ever Anxiety Treatment Techniques”
Psychotherapy Networker. Sep/Oct. 2005.

“Turning I Can’t Into I Will”
Psychotherapy Networker. Mar/April 2004

“Is Relief Just a Swallow Away?”
Psychotherapy Networker. Nov/Dec 2003.

“Riding the Waves”
A case study about the Neurofeedback Therapy Technique

Stress Solutions: 10 Effective Strategies to Eliminate Stress
Self published book. 2000.

Healthy Thinking – Healthy Living
A bi-monthly newsletter article written for two years 1996-1998.

Click here to order your copy.

A softcover book written for both clinicians and the general public.

Click here to order your copy.

Click here to order your copy.

The Anxious Brain: The Neurobiological Basis of Anxiety Disorders and How to Effectively Treat Them

A hardcover book intended for those with a serious interest in neurobiology but no in-depth training in the sciences of biology or chemistry. The descriptive language is well-suited to the training most mental health professionals receive. The Why and How of treatment for panic, generalized anxiety and social anxiety are covered.

Click here to order your copy.

“Deconstructing Depression” Psychotherapy Networker Nov/Dec 2010.

“Technotrap” Psychotherapy Networker. Mar/Ap 2008.

“The Ten Best-Ever Anxiety Treatment Techniques” Psychotherapy Networker. Sep/Oct. 2005.

“Turning I Can’t Into I Will” Psychotherapy Networker. Mar/April 2004

“Is Relief Just a Swallow Away?” Psychotherapy Networker. Nov/Dec 2003.

Nobody wants to be depressed! Or do they? If you have suffered depression, you might be aware of the irrational part of you that objects to letting go of depressed feelings.

In depression people are more inclined to feel the unfairness of life. You want to rail against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, knowing all the while that you cannot change them by your complaints, cries or tears. Feeling cheated by life, let down by a relationship gone sour, angry or hurt that your parents gave you such a rough childhood, you resist letting go, cheering up, or otherwise feeling okay again. You may be aware of an inner voice shrieking out, “No! I deserve this depression!” Dwelling on being unfairly treated does nothing to cheer you up or help you move forward, but rather makes you more miserable. Why would you want to hang onto it?

Why? I have consistently found that when people want to hold onto their depression, they have a faulty underlying belief: that depression proves what happened to them was wrong, unfair, or hurtful. Is this you? Listen closely to that part of you saying, “If I let go of this depression, it will be like I am saying it is okay that the bad thing happened. And it was most definitely NOT OKAY!!!” That part of you believes if you stop feeling hurt, then anyone who caused your pain gets off free – off the hook for their behavior. You believe your depressed state is a demonstration of how badly you were treated. But to whom are you making the demonstration? A parent who was cruel, a lover who disappointed you, a boss who fired you: none of them are noticing or being hurt by your depressed mood. This is the time to remember that the person who is hurt the most by your depression is you.

But how do you become willing to let go of the depression?

Honestly appraising why you want to keep your depression and not judging yourself or hiding your feelings, can lay the groundwork for letting it go.

1. No matter how depressed you still feel on the inside, you must make a rational decision to change your false belief that letting go means the hurt was okay. Replace it with a new belief: “The situation that hurt me was not okay regardless of how I feel.” Your feelings about it do not make it wrong or right. This belief shift that can help you get unstuck from the morass of depression.
2. Next, work to develop tolerance for other negative feelings and decide what to do about them. Pay attention to what has happened to identify your emotion. Then ask yourself and consult someone else to answer: “What will I do with anger at a person who doesn’t care, won’t listen, won’t change or is no longer around?” “How will I manage disappointment of unfulfilled expectations?” Sometimes being depressed and feeling worthless is easier than feeling grief and loss that go with disappointment. You can gradually develop a new repertoire of reaction. Try assessing:

• What feeling do you really have under the depressed mood? Hurt, sad, lost, alone…
• What practice have you had in expressing this emotion? You may ask someone else what they do, but then pick a method to express yourself: write your feelings down, draw them, play music, talk.
• Do something deliberate to counter the feeling? Get together with someone you enjoy, talk with someone who might cheer you up, distract yourself, go for a run, play a game with a child. Usually doing an activity that will make you feel connected to others helps the most.
• If there is still a problem that exists, such as living with someone who verbally abuses you, you will want to do some problem solving about how to get out of that ongoing troublesome situation. For that, consulting with a trusted advisor or therapist might help.

3. Finally, ask yourself what you would do if you felt good? Then go do it. This is not a win-win situation. Say to yourself that anyone who wanted to hurt you does not win if you feel good despite them. The best revenge, as they say, is living well. Practice that!

If you are depressed, and you believe you have passed up the (one and only) road to success, you do not see choices, like turning around. You are more likely to think, “There. I have done it again: I missed the last exit to my one and only chance to succeed. I am doomed to have no success.” And that thought process results in making fewer efforts to get what you want and deepening your depression.

A depressed mind is not only negative but rigid, which makes it a poor problem solver. Instead of grasping that you could turn around, you are more likely to keep doing what you have been doing, all the while bemoaning that you did not choose the right course of action. E.g., you picked the wrong company to work at, are involved with the wrong person, driving the wrong car, saving your money in the wrong investment, etc.

Why are you unlikely to correct your situation? Being stuck in your “if only I had…” direction of thinking, you have low expectations of making a better choice or having a better outcome. It is hard for you to broaden your perspective, seeing that even if you have passed up a chance for success, there are at least two available choices than continuing to do what you have been doing, traveling down one road without deviation.

Start by believing this: No matter what direction you are going, you can turn around! You do not have to pursue a failing enterprise, whether it is a job, a course at school or a relationship. I learned long ago that successful entrepreneurs are not people who made one lucky choice and succeeded on it. In general, entrepreneurs make MORE mistakes than most of us. What they tend to do better than most others is to CORRECT their mistakes. If they see something is not working as it should or they have chosen wrongly, they stop moving in the wrong direction, turn around, and try something else.

Thomas Edison – inventor of the light bulb and hundreds of other amazing inventions (like the film projector) – tried 1,200 different filaments for the bulb before he found the one that was right. Put up a picture of Thomas Edison to remind yourself to change directions and keep trying.

Next, believe this too, because it is true: There is NOT only one road to success, not only one choice you can make. You can look for opportunity as you continue to travel down the road of life. Start looking for new options to present themselves. Today’s college grad can expect to work in seven careers during the course of a work life. That is a clear message that you should NOT expect to stay on the same path but rather expect to travel down new roads

I have heard it said that luck is what happens at the intersection of preparation and opportunity. With that in mind, tell your depressed brain that you are opening up your narrow focus and looking around. Try these questions:

• What are you hoping for? Have you got a goal or some goals for your life? If not, start here by talking with others about your interests, ideas, wishes and dreams. Then pick something small (don’t start with your biggest dream – yet!) to work toward.
• What are you preparing for? – Are you putting in effort to develop skills in work and relationships, rather than just hoping you will get something good to come your way?
• Are you ready to achieve your goal? Sometimes depression is complicated by your fears of succeeding.
• Who can help you keep an eye out for opportunity? When traveling we can benefit from having a navigator. Who can help you find the opportunity to turn off on one of the many roads of life that you cross?

I will write more about these questions, because I know that trying something new can be scary. But I really believe this: If something new does not work out, you can always turn around.